Life is so trashy sometimes, it makes me not wanna care about everything including myself. I can't care to smile, eat, sleep, and even exercise to look good even though it was once a part of a routine that worked.

Labels: life

for two nights in a row, the cabbie behind the wheel was a parent with a heavy heart.

monday night, a plump indian man with much conversation to make, at some point, spoke of his son and God's will. while it was clear he wished his son could be so much more, there was a certain acceptance to the circumstance and i admire that.

tuesday night, a brooding man with less words out aloud brought me through the jam of the expressway. after a brief stop over and seemingly casual chat, we sunk into a deeper conversation about his daughter, and school grades. it was the same despondence. i hope i had encouraged him some way or another but i wish i was had far more words of encouragement to offer.

i understand, even more now, how much our parents wish the best for us always.

"Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old"

Labels: life, parents

i haven't been blogging much evidently. after a brief basketball game with my brother, a good shower, a glass of red wine, a bowl of noodles, and a whole lot of reality tv show, i find myself browsing entries from 2007, reading old tagboard conversations, being reminiscent of younger times, and still wondering what the future beholds (sure we're moving fast but i think somewhere down the road, there has to be something more to look forward to, and somehow i always feel it will come).

after six grueling semesters, the convocation ball is on its way and i'll officially graduate, not just from NBS, but from over 20 years of full time schooling. i can't honestly say i'm glad its over. and in some way, the things that have changed over the years shine light on the things that don't. people come and go, we've all wanted something different at some stage or another, and we mature as we go forward. but i've always been in constant search of good times to remember, some paradise getaway or maybe an adventure to call our own. that was what probably didn't change much. and i guess eventually, we find out too that nothings gonna just happen like how it does in the movies.

of late, though, i've marveled at some really big sights from around the world; from the coastal towns of cinque terre, city night lights from the effiel tower, to the vast grand canyons, and the bright lights of new york times square. in some way or another, it has become clear, like suddenly, that that elusive paradise is not really where we go, but the way we feel for that very moment in our lives. the best of times can be in the most humble of places.

to be honest, i'm shit-scared of how life will turn out to be. cause from here on, we're off the thread mill. we're on our own.

Labels: graduation, life, school

wmp: joe mcelderry - someone wake me up

so its the exam period yet again. after chugging down a mug of coffee back at home, i'm back here at school's free access lab, sort of by myself 'cause the usual gang had a paper this morning and decided to take the rest of the day of. i thought i should spend ten minutes having an entry down before i take that dive back into the mug...

two nights ago, i decided to close my accounting books at two odd am. i had an early paper the next morning but i spent another two frustrating hours trying to fall asleep. that is the problem with me and sleep. with a little more than 3 hours of sleep i sat for the morning paper. followed by an evening paper. and had some seafood thereafter with tab at the usual taman jurong haunt.

with five papers to clear, this semester's exam period may very well be the busiest of them all. it doesn't help that the yog has pushed the examinations further back into the festive christmas season. i have to admit i was pretty distracted by the thought of post-exam pleasures. i want to be out there basking in the christmas lightings at orchard and (window) shopping. though the break that follows after the exams is pretty pretty short (nearly just a month), i had my mind made up to make the most of it. i need to get back in shape (run, swim, play), re-organise my room and desktop, head down to the beach, and spend time with the people i've hardly had the time for. i'm glad the trip to bali is on its way.

i've been distracted by lots of ideas running in my head. the lastest one made me wished i was into programming and know more than the little html i picked up in secondary school while i was more free. honestly, i've no clear direction of where i'm headed for after i leave school. theres a entrepreneurial side of me thats fighting to take over sometimes. then, apart from the lack of time, theres the other more risk adverse, cautious voice within.

last night before i finally slept, i laid on bed and somehow felt a tinge of sadness. i realise how this semesters the second to the last and i think i'm gonna miss a lot of things, including the short drives to school and all the tough mugs, when i finally graduate. sometimes we spent so much of our time on something and when we finally have to move on we just can't help but find it a little hard to. i suppose that's how life is. ironic.

Labels: exams, life, nbs

this semester has been slightly different (as with every semester). its almost as if i lost the drive i had last semester. the drive to mug. i'm just a fraction of a pinky's nail away from a different class of degree. but this semester, all i really want is for myself to enjoy the good times and not let them slip by. i'm having a hard time concentrating. i was hoping i'll end up on an exchange next semester. meet some new people. breath a little. then i heard the people in maastricht are more mugger than those in nbs. if that means failing modules there, i hardly know whats best now.

its week four of the semester. i've been playing quite a fair bit of volleyball. the inter-school games, the inter-national games, the inter-hall games, and the upcoming surf and sweat. i guess the last couple of games on the court made me realise there is so much room for improvement. not just in skill, but the other aspects of myself that will follow me no matter where i go and what i do. i'm working on them desperately but some things, i feel, only come innate.

i realise i can't actually defer my ns after a quick phone call. i wonder hows it gonna turn out. in fact i've been wondering about so much lately. i wonder where my internship will bring me. and as usual, how my results for this semester will turn out. i wonder whether the ophir trip will realise. and how the months of may, june and july will come to pass. i've been fairly stumped, but not as much as when i begin thinking of my career.

i felt a good stretch in my head during one of the first few marketing lectures of this semester. slide after slide of demographics and extrapolations, it made me realise how much the future beholds. and yet still we'll always be running out of time. oil reserves are emptying. the maldives is sinking. our knees will grow old. we will retire. the whole world is planning for the future. and that is when i try to see myself 10 years from now.

i'm beginning to believe in friends and family.

stereophonics maybe tomorrow, and newton faulkner's teardrops, sure brings back memories of driving home along the expressway at night.

Labels: life, nbs, volleyball

wmp: black kids, i'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you

i was trying to take a nap before diving back into preparations for the presentations but somehow i began thinking of the last couple of years that went by and for the times that have yet to pass, i feel i should lighten up a little bit more. take the back seat. crack more jokes even when no one laughs. make the most of the things i do or get compelled to. and just, enjoy the moment while it lasts...

i think i kinda realised that sometime back. i'm not sure how i've changed or if i even did since then.

17 days more. merry times ahead.

Labels: life, nbs

friday night. another night at home. as usual. right after AA201 project meet. and there's the AB213 meet tomorrow morning till evening. and many more to come next week. plus quiz and test. and presentations the following week. and exams in 3 weeks time. superb superb.

my foot, not so good. maybe its the 20 seconds of run to my car along the south spine. how pathetic. i went ahead to play volleyball that evening anyhow. it was the last training after all. wasn't about to let it get in my way. but i wonder how will it do in December when the fun really begins. i WAS very much looking forward to December. now the best i can do is be hopeful.

astronomy quiz, 8/15. no need to say more actually. ab214, not as bad. but i'm not sure what went wrong exactly. don't exactly understand her. it is ALL about the grades so don't ever tell me otherwise, please. not unless it really isn't.

did i mention? my beloved white adidas jacket has got yellow stains all over because of the dye from the orange towel!

Labels: life, nbs

astronomy lectures makes you wonder about a lot of things. you begin by feeling like a speck of dust as you realise the universe out there. its magnificent... the constellations, the nebula, the supernova, the massive wonders of God. then you wonder if life really exists somewhere out there. or if Earth is on some sort of collision course already. with theories such as those of the big bang, sometimes you even wonder if there is a god...

Labels: life, nbs

i haven't felt this way since primary school when the guy whom i had a long bad feud with trashed all my freaking exercise books. or when the bunch of 'friends' set me up to steal half my deck of magic cards which i coughed 50 bucks out from almost nowhere to buy. all that happened more than ten years ago but maybe i remember precisely because of the immense feelings i had in my gut back then.

i guess somewhere along the way, someones bound to fuck you up and its up to you how much of yourself you wanna continue to waste away. i've wasted a few good minutes typing these and a good amount of glycogen stores just thinking about it and fuming. i could already be done with reading my article and be on my way to bed for fucks sake. its not as though i've not tried at all to let this all go and it almost seems that the only way it could possibly end is if i get to beat the beat the living day lights out of him but i will continue to try, nonetheless. if i wait long enough, i may actually just grow to become unfeeling about it...


So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with,
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads,
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
And again when your head goes through the windshield.

Labels: life

i've been kinda torned between doing the things i wanna do, and doing the things i should be doing. its not much of a recess. meeting up with friends at aloha loyang did me some good. these are probably the little bits of life now that we'll look back at. the poker chips, trash talk, funny accents and the hysterical laughs.

maybe we've been staring too long in our rear view mirrors. we're so caught up with the 'could haves' and 'should have beens'. we act as if things have always turned out the wrong way. we're hard up. but maybe, just maybe, life ain't as bad as it seems. we just expect too much to see how good it has been...

Labels: life, nbs

december is actually not too far away. its means both the examinations and the end of it are drawing close. while its worrying(the exams), i'm looking forward to everything beyond. hopefully, my foot heals good soon. i'll be at the nike human race. then the runs that build up to the marathon(dec 4). i'll be playing the inter hall games. its been so long since i've played a good game of volleyball. i'll be heading to the beach. may the weather be good. i'll be watching all those films i've never quite got to watch (public enemies, nine, district nine, up, inglourious basterds). i'll be getting a new phone(se w705), a new digital camera(a panasonic lumix), and maybe, just maybe if i succumb, a new guitar(a cheap electric squire). i'll be looking forward to christmas, the new year, a good getaway perhaps, the late nights, the ten hour sleeps, the good life.

i feel stucked still given the 'recess' week. i wish i had the week all to myself to frolick the fields. i've got the week planned out and here's the first half of it:

saturday - online meeting for aa201 project
sunday - meeting for negotiation task
monday - meeting for ac213 project
tuesday - meeting for aa201 project/chalet at night
wednesday - chalet/???
the rest is still of revisions and meeting of datelines...

not too long ago, i created a playlist of songs. i think everyone should have a playlist on standby. one which you can count on for a slower heart rate and a better state of mind in times of crisis. here's mine:

paint the silence, south
living life, eels
ride, cary brothers
in the sun, joseph arthur
lost cause, beck
stop joking around, hawksley workman
orange sky, alexi murdoch
caught by the river, doves
honey and the moon, joseph arthur
dice, finley quaye
konstantine, something corporate
windmills, wet toad sprockets
something always goes wrong, wet toad sprockets

"there is no rose without a thorn. there is no bed of roses. take the rough with the smooth. if you try, you can be anything you want to be."

Labels: december, life, nbs, recess

wmp: the quiet screaming, dashboard confessionals vs brand new

i never quite had things this hard, i realise. almost as if something fell short all of a sudden.

i do feel a tad bit incoherent these days.

i have about a decade's worth of mp3s that i've transferred from hard disk to hard disk over the years. the techno, the punk rock, the alternatives. they bring more nostalgia than i imagined. i was listening to brand new's 'the quiet things no one ever knows' earlier on in the car. it hit me with memories of the junior college days. days of further mathematics. of dozing off in lectures. of volleyball(and the expectations). surely someday a song will play, and i will look back at life as it is now, and miss it all.

i was almost reluctant to leave the reading room tonight. the weekends haven't been the same. but i may already in fact be getting used to the solitary of it all. it was eleven at night, and the sight of the empty walkways felt like a good breath of fresh air.

i await December. and of course, coming in the near weeks, the d24 durian mooncakes from goodwood park. should be good.



the Comptroller, he is most powerful. period!

Labels: life, nbs

i penned it all down. whatever that hit. they came fleeting.

but tonight, i think i somehow understand. like suddenly.

twenty five. nice run tonight.


"It might be a quarter life crisis, or just the stirring in my soul"
- Why Georgia, John Mayer

Labels: kenai, life, nbs, run

nice dream

Labels: dreams, life

the first day in class has filled me up with a sort of dread. apart from the frustrating queues to get textbooks, the reopening of school means many, many other things.

just before the very first class ended, the prof asked for a class representative. a volunteer. lets face it, no one really likes to be bogged down by chores. i cautiously half-raised my hand, in a joking manner of course. we giggled. then while going through the class list he called out 'john teo'. they burst out in laughter. i didn't quite believe it.

of late, i've been pretty distracted. i could be spinning my pen, staring at the letters and numbers that fill the pieces of paper as the rumblings of the seminars go on, yet in my mind, i'm tardily plucking petals at a dimly lit corner.

i really should know better.

this should be my last entry for a while.

Labels: life, nbs

tuesday - orchard w cw & zy. we had a short time in town. then settled for a drink at the rooftop of the esplande. they called that place orgo. i laid there, soaking up the nightlife, the city lights, the company... it was good.

wednesday - morning tennis. i thought i sprained my ankle. tennis is a tricky sport. leo's birthday supper.


thursday - kenai/casper @johor bahru. heart pounding speed of go karting at plentong and the glorious seafood at taman sri tebrau. we spent some time at city square, too. it was good getaway. just before the term starts again.

friday - vijay's farewell dinner at newton. yet another round of seafood. when we didn't managed to find a place for all the l4d goodness, i bid them farewell.


saturday - gym/swim/rest. poker/guitar hero at jonas's place. i took that drive down. we played cards. it was nice, meeting up with them. laughing. trash talking. though i did lose alittle. it was close to seven in the morning before i slumbered.


sunday - beach. with the gessvball gang. it was good. to jump the serve. to dive, tumble and roll on the sand. to play with the gang. we found ourselves at red dot at dempsey where t'was the monster green beer. and finally, joce's place until dawn almost came.


monday - gym/rest/bake maple cookies. having stayed up the whole night, i didn't do much throughout the day. until i dropped by ah lians to meet the casper/kenai gang. soon after, i found myself yet on another rooftop of one of the blocks at hall three, heart in one hand, mug of whiskey in the other, enjoying the moment while it lasted.


tuesday - school offcially reopens/ab214 pre-test writing. i woke up and raced to complete my assignment. and then it was a good light evening at the track. cutting through the wind with the sprints was most reposeful. i reach home now, rethinking the day, feeling a little dread in me.


It is the drink of men who think.
And feel no fear nor fetter -
Who do not drink to senseless sink,
But drink to think the better.
- Anonymous

Labels: beer, friends, life, nbs, vacation

i've been sick these couple of days. fever, coughs and what nots. my bedroom has become something of a forbidden lair. i laid on my bed munching on a nice cold chunk of guava and then my brother's head popped in at somewhere around the doorway with his hand over his nose and mouth. i said to him 'welcome'. and then he goes away.

i've had two bouts of flu this season. sounds just about like me, i realise.

=

i have apologized over and over for not being enough, or who you want or need. on the contrary, i am in fact no superman. there are many wrong calls i've made to regret but i realise i have nothing more to say 'cause this is clearly me wanting to make the most of what i have left. we had something we thought was gonna last forever, but even that is naive when we aren't quite prepared to give it all. do we even know what it is to give it all? i can't be sure, but i could say i've tried at least and when things still still still STILL have a way of falling apart over and over when you least expect...

that is when its probably time.

it is this... this very perspective that has kept me from looking back at our history. but believe me when i say this, when it was just you and i and that timelessness, it really was good for me, too. i had meant it all.


"chances are, we'll find a new equation."
- five for fighting, chances.

Labels: life, sick

i'd like to think i've a pair of iron lungs. but its the second time this holidays i've actually have to take breathes from the inhaler. whatever virus, h1n1 or not, that is going around, it sure is vicious...

Labels: life

sometimes i wish could be at two places at the same time. other times it feels like i'm everywhere but no where.

"I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know, if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world, or sitting at home with you, eating a pizza, watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you everytime." - scrubs; season 3, epi 20

Labels: life, scrubs

wmp: ride (tiesto Remix), cary brothers

we can parallel our lives, at some point of time, to almost anything. it can be the lyrics to a song. an episode of your favorite comedy drama. or a romance film even. where i am now, it feels like a round of texas hold'em poker, where the two fresh hole cards are just dealt and some shithead bets and raises to an amount that is just hard to follow. do you take that chance to see what hand the three window cards will bring? or do you fold and possibly regret(for the rest of your life)? nobody knows, really. but we play on anyway. its true. we can be on a collision course and not know it. at all...

Labels: life