"but God...": feeling this (syndrome)

feeling this (syndrome)

i've been sick these couple of days. fever, coughs and what nots. my bedroom has become something of a forbidden lair. i laid on my bed munching on a nice cold chunk of guava and then my brother's head popped in at somewhere around the doorway with his hand over his nose and mouth. i said to him 'welcome'. and then he goes away.

i've had two bouts of flu this season. sounds just about like me, i realise.

=

i have apologized over and over for not being enough, or who you want or need. on the contrary, i am in fact no superman. there are many wrong calls i've made to regret but i realise i have nothing more to say 'cause this is clearly me wanting to make the most of what i have left. we had something we thought was gonna last forever, but even that is naive when we aren't quite prepared to give it all. do we even know what it is to give it all? i can't be sure, but i could say i've tried at least and when things still still still STILL have a way of falling apart over and over when you least expect...

that is when its probably time.

it is this... this very perspective that has kept me from looking back at our history. but believe me when i say this, when it was just you and i and that timelessness, it really was good for me, too. i had meant it all.

"chances are, we'll find a new equation."
- five for fighting, chances.

Labels: life, sick

jorn was alive and kickin' at 6:48:00 PM 1 comments

1 Comments:

It's me here. After reading your entry, I just had to reply. All i have to say is - however you think/feel that you've tried your best, i feel the same way. Was angry, was upset. Felt as if I've given so much of myself and yet things should end up as such. You probably feel the same way.

Also, regarding that 'obligation' u mentioned - was it an obligation, really? I thought it was more about treating people with something you call - respect. And i thought that should already be in place as a norm, and not some 'obligation' that holds only under certain circumstances.

There's so much more that I could say. But u always go: "if it doesn't change anything, then what's the point?".

I'm tired. I really am. I believe it's the same for you, too. I've had days where I space out, and things run through my mind. I've had sleepless nights, and mornings where I wake feeling heavy. I don't have a blog to pen my thoughts/feelings, I don't even publicly update or publish things on fb etc - but that doesn't mean I've not gone through shit on my side.

Amidst all this crap, and regardless of how upset i'm feeling even right now while typing this, I hope you'll be happy. What lies beneath is and has always been a heart that hoped you'd be happy. Holidays are coming to an end. You've been making gd use of it thus far. Well, enjoy the rest of it. All the best.
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Anonymous, at 2:10 AM, July 28, 2009