"but God..."

the heavy crown

2012-01-17T20:38:00.003+08:00

for two nights in a row, the cabbie behind the wheel was a parent with a heavy heart.

monday night, a plump indian man with much conversation to make, at some point, spoke of his son and God's will. while it was clear he wished his son could be so much more, there was a certain acceptance to the circumstance and i admire that.

tuesday night, a brooding man with less words out aloud brought me through the jam of the expressway. after a brief stop over and seemingly casual chat, we sunk into a deeper conversation about his daughter, and school grades. it was the same despondence. i hope i had encouraged him some way or another but i wish i was had far more words of encouragement to offer.

i understand, even more now, how much our parents wish the best for us always.

"Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old"

2011-08-02T02:07:00.002+08:00

i should ration my words, put up a half smile, wisen up.

the constant

2011-06-29T03:00:00.015+08:00

i haven't been blogging much evidently. after a brief basketball game with my brother, a good shower, a glass of red wine, a bowl of noodles, and a whole lot of reality tv show, i find myself browsing entries from 2007, reading old tagboard conversations, being reminiscent of younger times, and still wondering what the future beholds (sure we're moving fast but i think somewhere down the road, there has to be something more to look forward to, and somehow i always feel it will come).

after six grueling semesters, the convocation ball is on its way and i'll officially graduate, not just from NBS, but from over 20 years of full time schooling. i can't honestly say i'm glad its over. and in some way, the things that have changed over the years shine light on the things that don't. people come and go, we've all wanted something different at some stage or another, and we mature as we go forward. but i've always been in constant search of good times to remember, some paradise getaway or maybe an adventure to call our own. that was what probably didn't change much. and i guess eventually, we find out too that nothings gonna just happen like how it does in the movies.

of late, though, i've marveled at some really big sights from around the world; from the coastal towns of cinque terre, city night lights from the effiel tower, to the vast grand canyons, and the bright lights of new york times square. in some way or another, it has become clear, like suddenly, that that elusive paradise is not really where we go, but the way we feel for that very moment in our lives. the best of times can be in the most humble of places.

to be honest, i'm shit-scared of how life will turn out to be. cause from here on, we're off the thread mill. we're on our own.

2011-04-27T03:31:00.002+08:00

warm light from the table lamp, on the bed with the laptop, ac on, close to 4am, ear phones with nujabe's luv sic playing.

good music.

as the exams approach its almost as if i don't give a damn but i know i will, at the right hour.

My December (2010)

2011-01-05T02:21:00.043+08:00

Its been slightly over two weeks since the grueling exam period. Everything's been such a blur since...

21nd Dec, I had the most sumptuous steamboat I've had in a while at my place with andy, jn, qx and tab. The glorious seafood was mighty fine, especially with the over sized clams. It was sort of a farewell to jn for his GIP trip to the US. We chatted over the hot pot, with the cool after downpour weather on the outside, with the guys occasionally checking out the resident crayfish, fishes and parakeets, taking it nice and slow till it was past midnight and the food on the long marble table was no more.

I met jn & qx the following day, 22nd Dec, at the Marina Barrage for a lazy afternoon. I couldn't resist spending an afternoon there, lying on the mat in the middle of nowhere, watching clouds fleet in tandem.

We grabbed some ham, cheese, bread, soft drinks from the nearby supermarket and jn even woke up early to cook up some good stuff from home. Eventually, we even bought a kite for the kicks. It was nice - the friends, the food, the simple pleasure of lying there, somewhere the midst of the urban crossroads, looking at the MBS from afar, with the cool breeze, and kite high in the infinite sky.
Thereafter, I met tab in town, had 'Once Upon a Milkshake' shakes, soaked up the Christmas lights, and did a little shopping. The pair of eye plugs from Tangs will definitely come in handy.

I don't get around much and I realise how every single time I take the train to Orchard and exit the station, I become so overwhelmed by the new buildings, new shops, new lights. I've yet to really familiarize with the massive basements of ION. I was stumped by how I couldn't cross the road over to Wheel lock Place. It was as if I just served a life sentence and the world passed me by. I really need to get out a little bit more, I guess.

23th Dec, I managed to hitch a ride from Andy, making it for the gathering of the young and the old from the many generations of NBS Orientation Groups. We exchanged gifts, caught up with some of the seniors, enjoyed the funny segments of the night and of course, played poker till dawn, trying really to outwit, outplay, and outlast each other, before the breakfast at Changi Village and then hopping onto Chris's ride, making our long journey back to the west, the drive that saw orange pretentious street lamp after street lamp, and skies that unknowingly lit up to a brand new day.

24th Dec, Christmas eve, I woke up at some 3pm, met tab after her work before we made our way to MBS where her friends were gonna spend the night at. Along the way at Marina Bay Link Mall, I bought the Starbucks tumbler for my beloved.

It was very fortunate the rain eventually dried up and we managed to take a dip at the Infinity pool. After my project on MBS for the Eco-Architectural module, I just had to be there, and the panoramic view from up there did not fall short of expectations. I joined her family's gathering briefly before heading home.

25th Dec, Christmas Day, my Dad whipped up a turkey amongst the other dishes for my Mum's extended family. Tab brought her bother's awesome muffins. Eventually I found it most reposeful up in my room, away from the commotion. We eventually made our way to Chris's place where we played poker till 3am before making our way down to the Airport where we saw jn off to the blizzard cold of the US. Should be the trip of a lifetime.

26th Dec, I joined tc, kenneth and wh at Tiong Bahru CC for a little volleyball. I think I nearly sprained my back after the long period of inactivity (that is the entire semester). I was mustering everything I had towards the end of the games. I picked tab up from her place before heading over to mine, where we watched 'The Proposal' on my laptop. 27th Dec, we found ourselves at Vivocity where we watched Rapunzel, the movie.

28th Dec night, I completed the entire 'Walking Dead' season 1. It was the most kick ass series ever. With a couple of hours of sleep I drove to school on the morning of 29th Dec for the course registration before having lunch at JP, then heading home to catch up on sleep. As I turn nocturnal, staying up to 4 - 5am in the morning for the rest of the days that led up to New Year's Eve, I completed the series 'Spartacus' too, yet another good series.

31st Dec, New Years Eve, I had dinner with tab at WCP before heading down to meet the rest. The gessvball gang reunited at Rifle Range where we bid 2010 farewell and welcomed the New Year with the countdown, making merry with lots of sparklers, wine, and beer.

Since the New Year, I've been attending volleyball trainings back in school as the IHG approaches. Every one of them, though physically demanding, always leaves me yearning to be stronger, faster, better. The most tragic thing that can happen is running into injury and so I take care. I've also been looking into the upcoming Bali trip as well as the much anticipated Graduation Trip. Talk of scuba diving in May excites me too.

It's been a long time since I've been to the beach too and I did so last Sunday with gess peeps and tab. I finally met up with cs and yp while I was there. The games and sand in my feet and underwear, it was good.

And so here's 2011. I've no real resolutions, really. But there is much to look forward to.

"someday, just someday, i will wake up not so lost in my own tragedy"

2010-12-21T02:18:00.006+08:00

every now and then, there always seem to be a way to use this line, sadly, to mark days that fall short. i know its bad because i can't think of anything that can make me happy anymore.

this is empty hearts, worn out patience, and a stomach eating itself. this is chapter 323421 where i get consumed.

goodnight world.

when i see stop signs, i'm gonna run them down...

2010-12-17T15:03:00.012+08:00

wmp: joe mcelderry - someone wake me up

so its the exam period yet again. after chugging down a mug of coffee back at home, i'm back here at school's free access lab, sort of by myself 'cause the usual gang had a paper this morning and decided to take the rest of the day of. i thought i should spend ten minutes having an entry down before i take that dive back into the mug...

two nights ago, i decided to close my accounting books at two odd am. i had an early paper the next morning but i spent another two frustrating hours trying to fall asleep. that is the problem with me and sleep. with a little more than 3 hours of sleep i sat for the morning paper. followed by an evening paper. and had some seafood thereafter with tab at the usual taman jurong haunt.

with five papers to clear, this semester's exam period may very well be the busiest of them all. it doesn't help that the yog has pushed the examinations further back into the festive christmas season. i have to admit i was pretty distracted by the thought of post-exam pleasures. i want to be out there basking in the christmas lightings at orchard and (window) shopping. though the break that follows after the exams is pretty pretty short (nearly just a month), i had my mind made up to make the most of it. i need to get back in shape (run, swim, play), re-organise my room and desktop, head down to the beach, and spend time with the people i've hardly had the time for. i'm glad the trip to bali is on its way.

i've been distracted by lots of ideas running in my head. the lastest one made me wished i was into programming and know more than the little html i picked up in secondary school while i was more free. honestly, i've no clear direction of where i'm headed for after i leave school. theres a entrepreneurial side of me thats fighting to take over sometimes. then, apart from the lack of time, theres the other more risk adverse, cautious voice within.

last night before i finally slept, i laid on bed and somehow felt a tinge of sadness. i realise how this semesters the second to the last and i think i'm gonna miss a lot of things, including the short drives to school and all the tough mugs, when i finally graduate. sometimes we spent so much of our time on something and when we finally have to move on we just can't help but find it a little hard to. i suppose that's how life is. ironic.

Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things...

2010-11-23T01:32:00.005+08:00

...for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Betta

2010-11-04T21:41:00.006+08:00

my splitting headache

2010-10-30T13:27:00.004+08:00

at 4am, my stomach felt hollow. my mind, wrecked. i could have written a song there and then but i gave way to slumber unknowingly.

i made a promise to myself. but the worst thing about promises to yourself is that its easy to let yourself down.

the october update

2010-10-23T23:28:00.011+08:00

while i'm writing the last couple of hundred words of my essay that's due the coming week, i thought i'll just take the time to pen my thoughts on the recess week so far.

i was at the night safari halloween night with a heck of a flu not too long ago. can't wait to wake up to a clear nose once again. i was at the philantic museum looking at the very nifty works of iron man too (see below). even more recently i got zy's takamine guitar for a little over a hundred bucks. gotta change the strings when i finally have more time in my hands (that is post-exams matters). i've been looking for the elusive bottle of jagermeister. and rooney's then possible severance of ties with manchester united has caused quite an upheaval and it has led me, the most untypical of guys who don't grow up watching football, to follow up on soccernet news.

the haze has been a bummer. apart from asthma, i think of the rain forest going up in smoke and can't help but feel tragic. some statement was made by an Indonesian spokesman, speaking of all the oxygen they've been providing us in his bid to downplay impact of the haze. i'm pretty sure many would scoff. i left volleyball training early because the psi was raging.

i've been to a couple of interviews, talking a lot about myself and my internship experience. it was delightful to get the calls from them eventually.ironically, the essay i'm churning out now happens to be about career choices. i see myself accepting the offer by the end of november though i'm still not sure if i would be shortchanging myself in the long run but then again that future can never be foreseen. time will tell. in some small way i'm looking to ditching school so that i can lead carefree weekends maybe at some pub or at the beach.

i should get back to the essay.

its not easy being green

2010-09-21T21:04:00.015+08:00

the lastest of acquisitions - the incredible hulk

This Summer (2010)

2010-09-17T21:36:00.071+08:00

Gee, it's been quite a while since I last blogged. I'm suppose to be reading up on Consolidation, the latest, most bad-ass accounting topic ever, but I guess I could spare some time to briefly log the happenings of the past couple of months. Its been swell.

The results from the last semester ain't too shabby though I'm still a bit short of making it. On the day of my last paper, a gang of us took off to the cinema and we caught the very much anticipated Ironman 2. We had a mere weekend of reprieve before our professional attachment began. I remember how I was swarmed by figures nearly everyday of the week. I met some pretty nice folks there; the senior I worked with was like an older brother I never had. Though waking up every morning and taking that long walk down to the train station in shirt & pants that stifle from wrist to heels was so much of a chore, looking back now I really do appreciate my time there.

While I fulfilled the internship, my weekends were pretty much filled out by the miscellaneous. I completed the Sundown Marathon at a timing of around 5:30. Apart from that I was busy planning with a couple of other friends for the trip to Europe that was going to follow.

The trip was meant for the Global Summer School Programme where we'd get to clear an elective abroad at the London School of Economics. Of course we couldn't resist the opportunity to travel.

We had bought the eurail pass from STA Travel to help us in our travel in Italy. Our first stop was to Italy where we spent a week moving from Rome, to Pisa, Cinque Terre, Milan and finally stopping over at Venice. Rome was an ancient city to behold, having a immensely rich historical heritage and cosmopolitan atmosphere. It was odd, yet surreal, coming across ruins that have been left as they are in the midst of the charming city. Dinning along the laid back alleys in the evening, the fire wood pizza, coupled with a nice cold Forst beer, felt like nothing I had had before with generous slices of ham spread across the pizza and a nice crisp crust. While there, we visted the Trevi Foundtain, Spanish Steps, Vatican City, Isola Tiberina, Palatine Hill, the Colosseum and the Catacombs.

We stopped over at Pisa for a half a day to see the leaning tower, and then moved on to Cinque Terre, a fine getaway from the hustle and bustle, before proceeding to Milan, a rougher side of Italy where we saw the magnificent Duomo cathedral. As we moved around in the subways within each city, baskers would play their accordians on board the train and although I enjoyed the novelty, it seemed to annoy the locals as I would see even Paris.

Venice, a sanctuary on a lagoon, was easy to move around without any cars to watch out for. When we were not navigating the streets and alleys on foot crossing bridge after bridge over the gondolas, we were taking the water taxi, basking in the soft seaside light. The streets was full of shops that sold mesmerizing pieces of venetian masks and Murano glasswares. We visited San Marcos, where there was a vibrant public square, and Murano where they pride themselves on the quality of their handmade glassware. The Gelato ice cream was so rich and awesome I had one everyday without fail at every distinct city of Italy.

Our favourite stopover was at Cinque Terre. When we first arrived at Riomaggiore, we were exhausted from lugging our luggage up to our room but recovered quickly when we saw the view from our balcony. It was quite a sight, being housed on a cliff facing the clean horizon of the sea. We even hit the waters for a bit, and sat on the rocks while we watched the boys cliff dive.

The walks from Riomaggiore to Manarola and back was most reposeful. It was also known as the lover's path where couples would leave their padlocks along the railings of the path. For our two days at Cinque Terre, we continued to visit Vernazza and Monterosso, covering essentially 4 out of the 5 towns, missing out on Corniglia unintentionally. On our last night, I was out at the balcony, under the star lit night, hearing the waves, taking in the sea breeze, trying to make a lasting memory.

The seafood was absolutely magnificent, the best I have ever had in my life if I may add. I remember having an entire sea bass to myself, and how fantastic the seafood spaghetti was. I'll never forget the anchovies too.

We dined at La Scogliera at Manarola twice because of how delightful the experience was for the first time round. There was a time or two when we would walk pass a lady salting fresh anchovies at her back door near where we stayed. She would give us a pleasant smile each time we walked by. We stocked the fridge we had had with fresh peaches, strawberries, cherries and blueberries that we would eat every time we were back in our room. We also bought a bottle of 'limoncino', a cinque terre desert wine, for a friend who would meet us in London.

We took a flight from Italy over to London where our term of 3 weeks at LSE began. Three of us shared a nice apartment at Mornington Cresent. The weather at London was cool and lovely and made it good for a hot cup of coffee on my way to school.

My group mates were some of the coolest dudes I've met in a while. I was glad our project(MAD Network) took shape really quickly. I bought an egg mayonnaise sandwich, and a pipping hot cup of coffee to take away every morning from Wright's Bar. Every afternoon I'd find myself at the library catching a nap on the bean bag, a routine my group mates began to noticed and find amusing. It became the place they'd look for me when I was needed.

With what time we had, we wandered the streets of Oxford, Piccadilly, Campden Market and managed a Sandemans tour with a guide around London. We spent a night watching the Phantom of the Opera and another on the riverboat cruising along the Thames river with the people of LSE. It was a pity we had miss the England vs Hungary football friendly. In the end, I felt a little bit attached to London and our apartment when we finally had pack up and leave.

Over the weekends while in London, we packed our bags for a couple of weekend trips. One to Scotland Edinburgh, where we missed our easyjet flight(the most traumatic of experiences) and had to take a 12h bus ride stopping by Birmingham where we dropped by the Bull Ring Market where we saw some of the fresh produce.

We had a little more than a day at Edinburgh. Loved the beer, calm picturesque landscape at our coach pit stop, and the jolly people there. The Sandemans tour gave a good insight to the rich culture and history of Scotland, introducing Irn Bru, a drink thought to be a cure for a hangovers and other features of the new town such as the Heart of Midlothian where people would spit on (for good luck and also in defiance to Edinburgh's arch rival football club that also bears a heart for its crest) and the memorial of Greyfriar that spoke of a heart wrenching tale of the loyalty of Bobby the dog. Amongst the many sights, we also saw the site that gave inspiration to Harry Potter's Hogwards. Eventually, we ended at a pub where tried the famous Scottish Haggis. It was a pity we didn't have the time for the highlands of Scotland.

We soon finished the term with our final presentation at LSE and took off to Brighton for a day trip on Friday where there was the pebbled stretch of beach and some really quirky, bohemian styled shops around. We sat at the beach watching the sunset, the remains of the West Pier and seagulls just before our bus back left, catching what little sleep we could.

From the UK, we flew to Amsterdam (the whackiest central town ever, with the enchanting hamlet of windmills at Zannse Schans), Brussels and Paris (the Eiffel tower, Disneyland, Notre Dame, Lourve Musuem, Versailles... truly a lovely, lovely part of Europe).

To finally drop my bags back home was sort of a good feeling. I spent the night unpacking, throwing out souvenirs for my siblings, sharing bits and pieces of stories of my good travel before I headed to bed and repacked my bag for my next flight out to Phuket with the Kenai/Casper gang the next day...

(to be continued)

beach fiesta 2010

2010-03-27T19:27:00.018+08:00

wmp: the script, before the worst

the past couple of weeks have been pretty hard on us with report deadlines and marketing presentations to prepare for. haven't seen the last of those but friday night finally came along and i decided to disconnect myself from schoolwork at least until the day at the beach on saturday was over.

so i got my usual friday evening fix - a concoction of online manga and tv. of late, i've been pretty much hooked to the heroes vs villains series from survivor. the reality tv stars really do look like they're having a good time on that paradise island despite the intricacies of the game itself. i was thinking of a vacation of my own, to bangkok then krabi and the other islands perhaps, if contingencies permit. i believe it would do the soul some good just before the semester restarts.

i stayed up on friday night toying with the new 'knock out' deck by magic makers. not a fan of the usual gimmick decks but this... this, i think, is pure genius. so with less than five hours of sleep, i made my way down to tanjong beach on the saturday morning. the weather was scorching and though i usually prefer the cooler of the two extremes of the weather these days, the scorching weather couldn't have been more timely this time round.

it appears time away from the sport did some good. i remember how i struggled to pull off a game the last couple of times at zhenhong's farewell game at NIE and the homecoming at JJC. the games at the fiesta went pretty well. we even managed to pull through the preliminaries with reasonable ease. not until i met the 'wall', almost literally, at the quarter finals.

i gotta say it was like kick starting a cold engine during the first couple of matches. i'm not sure how this would really work out because of the hectic demands of school, but for the weeks that lead up to the exam papers i'm intending to revise my routines, get my seven hours of sleep daily and carve half an hour of time out from a week for a run or a trip to the gym.

between the games i took the chance to take a dip at the beach. just lying there, semi submerged with the water blocking out the commotion from my ears, i watched the clouds fleet, and felt the day was absolutely worth the while. it was truly a moment to myself.

In Loving Memory

2010-02-26T19:04:00.009+08:00

three new years ago.

I like to think she's somewhere above the heavens now looking down upon us.

the scorpion deck

2010-02-19T22:19:00.003+08:00

From Bicycle

year two, sem two

2010-02-05T21:22:00.030+08:00

this semester has been slightly different (as with every semester). its almost as if i lost the drive i had last semester. the drive to mug. i'm just a fraction of a pinky's nail away from a different class of degree. but this semester, all i really want is for myself to enjoy the good times and not let them slip by. i'm having a hard time concentrating. i was hoping i'll end up on an exchange next semester. meet some new people. breath a little. then i heard the people in maastricht are more mugger than those in nbs. if that means failing modules there, i hardly know whats best now.

its week four of the semester. i've been playing quite a fair bit of volleyball. the inter-school games, the inter-national games, the inter-hall games, and the upcoming surf and sweat. i guess the last couple of games on the court made me realise there is so much room for improvement. not just in skill, but the other aspects of myself that will follow me no matter where i go and what i do. i'm working on them desperately but some things, i feel, only come innate.

i realise i can't actually defer my ns after a quick phone call. i wonder hows it gonna turn out. in fact i've been wondering about so much lately. i wonder where my internship will bring me. and as usual, how my results for this semester will turn out. i wonder whether the ophir trip will realise. and how the months of may, june and july will come to pass. i've been fairly stumped, but not as much as when i begin thinking of my career.

i felt a good stretch in my head during one of the first few marketing lectures of this semester. slide after slide of demographics and extrapolations, it made me realise how much the future beholds. and yet still we'll always be running out of time. oil reserves are emptying. the maldives is sinking. our knees will grow old. we will retire. the whole world is planning for the future. and that is when i try to see myself 10 years from now.

i'm beginning to believe in friends and family.

stereophonics maybe tomorrow, and newton faulkner's teardrops, sure brings back memories of driving home along the expressway at night.

So it ends...

2010-01-10T23:36:00.004+08:00

It was a small bunch of us that went down to Central for the fabulous ramen noodles at Marutama. I believe its the best ramen in town. Then while qx went home to watch 'Friends', the rest of us had a walk down to the Esplanade. We had a good time taking photos of the night.

The next Monday morning I woke up in the early afternoon and joined C and her gang at the Tanjong beach. It was a pretty good day of play and the weather didn't ruin the rest of the day. There is the surf and sweat to look forward to with some of them.

Came Tuesday, the 29th of December, two days before the new year, I made my way to school. The FAL closed on me so I was left at the reading room, unable to print my things. I continue to map out the factory outlets from the google maps in anticipation of the then upcoming Hong Kong trip. At around seven in the evening I made my way down to the hall's volleyball court. T'was the slight drizzle, and a bit of tension when the guys didn't show up punctually. Towards the end I could not really play like how I wanted to (or how I used to). It was frustrating. I blamed it on playing on an empty stomach but I wonder if its something more of an excuse.

I took a quick shower, picked a couple of people up, before driving down to Walt's place where it was another night of poker. I think nights like these are gonna be here to stay. We checked our grades for the semester online. Not too shabby, and I'm pretty close from my target cgpa. To get there, that would be my new years resolution. After the last couple of rounds of poker, we headed down for supper before going over to the airport where we saw Chris off. The early morning drive was smooth. I reached school back at 7 in the morning where jn and I had good old eggs and toast for breakfast.

On the 31st December, New Years Eve, relatives came over to my place. It was a belated Christmas dinner. Gab and his sis, together with my brother and I found ourselves in a bedroom playing poker. At around ten at night, I went over Joce's place where the gess gang was. Friends for a decade. We had a couple of drinks, played cards, and then it was a long tiresome struggle for Sj to go off. My brother came to pick me up at around 8. That was my new years eve.

I stayed home on new years day, to pack for the trip to Hong Kong. I didn't get much sleep that night and then on the 2nd Dec, six in the morning, we flew off. The sun was rising as we took off. The itinerary went something like:

Day one: Night Markets, Victory Peak - The fog was pretty bad we could hardly see the buildings. The weather was chilling. We went on a random spree.

Day two: Disneyland - It was really the best of experiences, especially when tinkerbell flew by... even if its just the 3d goggles.

Day three: Shenzhen - The Lowu Commercial Building was an eye opener; the vendors and fake watches... Deeper in, to dong men was more pleasant to walk around. I crossed the immigrations back to hk empty handed though. Back in hk we visited the stretch of outlets at the camel building where I managed to grab a nice jacket. It was the one of the few buys from hk. I was quite convinced its hard to get a good bargain these days...

Day four: Citygate outlets - I walked out empty handed, though they really had every outlet housed in a building. And bid cw and kl farewell.

Day five: The Dragon's Back of Hong Kong's trail - It never got this cold although at first refreshing. The view was breath taking. If I had the time I would bring up some hot cocoa and sit there the entire day. I really would.

On the 6th Jan, midnight, I touched down back in sg. I had a casual chat with the cabby on my way back. Never felt better when I dropped my bags. I was exhausted and deep down glad that the IH volleyball match on the next day was postponed.

On the 7th evening, my family had dinner at the Long Beach restaurant off the east coast park. It was good to have dinner with the entire family every now and then.

The next day I had two of my wisdom tooth removed. The process was sort of nerve wrecking I admit. I wasn't in much pain but spitting blood in the sink didn't make me feel any better. The bleeding has stopped but not the lethargy.

Before the surgery I ended up buying a siamese fighting fish. I call him Mr B (for barracuda). I can't stop watching him swim around in his tank.

I watched the guys game on saturday and spent a good portion of sunday out gallivanting with my parents, from the hawker center at amoy street to the flea market at china square central, to the marina square and then to clementi. In the last few hours of the night I watched episodes of 'That 70s Show' which made me have some good laughs. Its been a long time since I had good laughs.

School starts tomorrow. December I should say was rather well spent. Sure, there weren't many days of laze and rest. That is how I know I was out having a kick ass time. I sure hope its a good semester ahead. A good internship ahead. And a couple of good trips ahead...

2009-12-26T16:16:00.017+08:00

t'was the course registration in school on a friday morning. i had trouble sleeping and then find myself speeding the latio to school. i didn't quite get my modules on first click which led to a lot frustration. i had an exchange of emails with the school and finally got my modules finalised for the coming semester. the thing is, i find myself doing one module on my own. it could be refreshing, meeting and working with new people. or something else then again.

the kenai/casper gang swang by my place that night for a bbq. it was mini gathering of sorts. it went well. and then half of the bunch came up my place for a night of poker. my brother joined in. i bled chips. but i couldn't stop the haemorrhage. we had the left over chicken wings in the oven and it was smoking awesome. by the time the guys left i was dead beat. i slept through saturday. i dropped by shawn's place on saturday night when i exchange textbooks and got a threadless tee from him. 'birds of a feather'. it was very cool.

sunday night came along. it was the party at adam's. i managed to hitch a ride from andy. almost nine when we reached sensoria. jean and angie were waiting for us at the pool side where slipped into our uniforms for the themed party. for that night i was superman disguised as an rjcian. there were a couple of generations under that roof. generations of orientation groups. it reminded me that this phase too would fade away. we'll all move on to something else. after the gift exchanges and photo takings, we had another round of poker. i was going at some astonishing rate. i tried to get some shut eye thereafter but it didn't work out so i found myself back at the table playing daidee doing the weirdest forfeits. i toyed with the ukulele i got from jean. it was of a classy white. someday i might just get a hang of it!

it was monday afternoon, a brief four hours of sleep after party. i went down to school for the inter school games after i got wind of it during the party. the preliminaries were dead easy. with a bad nose i decided to cancel the night out with some friends, forgoing the night out at orgo, and avatar in 3d. the next day i went for my appointment at the national dental center where i had the x-ray done and figured that i needed two extractions.

i can't remember much of wednesday. i think i watched public enemies in the late night(or in the wee morning hours). i thought it was tragic that they killed off the johnny depp character. the scene where he sauntered into the police station was most awesome. i spent christmas eve at parco and then the esplanade. the ice cream flavors at tom's palette were sort of bizarre, yet enticing. christmas eve ain't like how it used to be on those rainy december nights when they used to air the 'home alone' movies on channel 5. i used to hang socks and wonder how would santa have popped by. there was no damn chimney!!! but i believe i was missing the point of this festive season. blink 182's 'i won't be home for christmas' has always been the most apt of songs.

on christmas itself, i paid my grandmother a visit. my parents and i had dinner at imm. we had some walk around the place before the dropped me off at kw's place. soon, the gess gang was at joce's place where we had the johnny walker, coke and pasta. we talked about how things have been and went back and forth about plans for the new years eve. we ended with rounds of cai quan and lots of laughter. i went to bed at 7 in the morning, after another one of those episodes of the simpsons...

the next evening that came the gess gang regrouped at the Games Haven at clark quay. we headed up to Players. joce and cz soon joined us. surprise surprise. the sirloin steak that refused to be put on the table stirred up a fuss and we left with a bad aftertaste despite the very very apologetic waitress. we found ourselves at a tcc where the candles went out and cake was served. at the end of that night, while some contemplated a night at the club, a few of us decided to make it back home...

week 3

2009-12-18T02:11:00.018+08:00

wmp: dave matthews band; crash into me.

wednesday - the casper gang came over to my place to bake. the cookies were burnt. both batches, in fact, though the roosties and other dishes turned out swell. my feet and left ankle weren't feeling too good still.

thursday - leo helped out with my guitar. the elixir poly web strings gave my guitar a new lease of life. i popped by chin bee cresent on my way back to grab a kilo of ribeye right after. it was a good dinner.

friday - we were going back and forth about poker that night. it was called off (to my disappointment). and then all of a sudden in the early night, we managed to arrange for a night. jean, andy, walt, jer and myself. we kicked off the night at jeans place at around midnight. it was quite a night. around something around 4am we had supper at thompson. i've always enjoyed taking the night out with friends. it was seven in the morning when i conked out on bed.

saturday - damn i can't remember what went on. i probably slept most of the day away before visiting my grandma in the evening. it was depressing. thereafter my parents and i went down to the runninglabs at velocity. i grab a new pair of shoes and hopefully it will be the end of my feet problems.

sunday - i hand washed both the latio and 200e. my brother would have helped but i was in debt to him already. thereafter, i went to the gym for some ten to fifteen minutes. i haven't quite have the time and energy for a full workout, tragically.

monday - i made my own way down to town. to be honest, after stepping out of the orchard mrt gates, i stood in the area, stunned for a quite a moment. i almost had problem recognising the immediate area. it must have been quite a while since i popped by town. i hardly make it there these days. ky, chris, daoy, cas, zhiyun, km, walt and i had dinner at relax bistro at new 313 somerset. it was a surprise dinner of sorts. the pasta were at 50% and was not too bad. we ended off with ice cream at cold rock on the same floor.

tuesday - walt, jean, jn, chris and i made another one of those day trips to jb. we had lunch at stonegrill, hung out at the arcade, did some brief shopping, sung k at the 'neway' at city square, and the seafood was glorious as usual. we each got a superman tee which was uber awesome. the plan was to wear it together at the upcoming xmas gathering.

wednesday - casper gang came over to bake once more. this time round the chocolate chip cookies were much of a success. i went back to hall seven for some vball in the evening. it was ages since i last played; my last game was weeks before the examinations. it was just two sets as i was late but they were good still, mainly because of two reasons. one, i played pretty well i guess. two, my feet didn't quite hurt. it was liberating. i was worried about recovery but that night was a sign for more to come. its a pity i'll be missing two out of three inter hall matches because of the clash with my hong kong trip. the inter hall games are important to me as they are one of the last few school competitions of my life.

thursday - i woke up early to grab two sets of the 'stacked poker' chips from bluegate in anticipation of friday's poker night. since i was in the area, c and i managed to arrange to have lunch together. i brought bah kut teh to my grandma's place on my way back to the west. with what was left of the afternoon, i baked 50 cookies & 2 cookie man with the leftover batter from yesterday. i decided to do the cookiemen after the two batches of 25 cookies when it began to get boring. they were great fun to do.

friday - it's gonna be another early morning because of the course registration.

my fingers crossed

2009-12-13T14:04:00.005+08:00

the Saucony Progrid Hurricane X. stability shoes, that's what they call them.

"whenever you're ready" it calls out.

post marathon

2009-12-08T18:48:00.006+08:00

i've been spending some time these two post marathon days googling on foot pain. i would see a doctor if i wasn't already so sick of giving them money. to top things off, sometimes i think they're pretty much clueless themselves. the body heals itself, it always does.

both my feet now hurt terribly. the pain is unlike the usual muscle aches that i have no problems managing. its like mini atomic bombs going off when i walk. i hope it gets much better by the end of the week so i can get on with the hall trainings. i'm rather convinced that the mizuno elixir might be the fault. it might be time to get some serious advice and a new pair of shoes if i were to sign up for sundown.

i've watched 'up' and 'nine'. i like the former a lot more.

the longest run

2009-12-06T22:37:00.006+08:00

from the pretentious street lamps of the 5am roads to the kites on the trees of the east coast... my ankle was screaming.

5:14:33

the first seven days

2009-12-01T00:35:00.042+08:00

(i will endeavor to be more detailed in my entries 'cause some of my past entries don't make sense to me anymore and it feels like i've lost something that i might never quite recover)

wmp: black eyed peas, meet me half ways

thursday - astro paper, the last of the papers. i was bursting with joy at the end of it though the people around me didn't quite feel the same. i am keeping my fingers crossed especially for the aa203 paper (God knows what the heck i was doing). after pondering our next move for awhile, we canceled the trip down to the sitex and leo zy & i had dinner at olive & fig. the wait was long. the kebabs were big on the portions. a tad too much garlic on the pasta, but i liked it anyway.

friday - t'was the morning run with jn. its a long while since i last ran. two rounds round the campus. i ran of out gas somewhere near the 10km mark. we had breakfast at the hall two canteen. after a nap at home i ran out again to grab my new phone. the SE w705 had dropped to $0. the timing was oh so fine and i didn't have much second thoughts about it. i was in fact quite pleased after toying with it... i had a couple of episodes of everybody loves raymond before i headed to bed. its nice, to have a few laughs before dozing off and i've been doing it almost every night.

saturday - at 630am i reached toa payoh and met leo & his friends. we hopped on the coach and made our way across the causeway. we spent a fair bit of time travelling on the coach and i napped whenver i could. t'was the kota tinggi falls which wasn't much of a sight. we didn't even bother to get ourselves wet. the seafood lunch and dinner weren't top notch either. t'was much to diss about. somethings were so atrocious that its almost hilarious. of all the stopovers, the ostrich farm was an eye-opener. the ostrich egg, the ostrich chicks, the ostrich satays,... the ostriches that roamed around were so calm, gentle and at ease with us humans around that its almost sad to know that at some point of time they'll all eventually end up at the slaughterhouse...

sunday - beach with gess mates. i dumped my guitar in the latio before driving out. i got the sun burns even with the sunblock. honestly, the beach has somewhat lost its appeal. maybe i'm just getting lazy cause i had thought the best thing that could have happened then was not a good game of volleyball but a nice hammock. i wonder if i'll find the motivation to head back to the gym this month. showering at one degree fifteen has always been something of a sumptuous life, thanks to jo. we eventually found ourselves at the red dot at dempsey hill. with a glass of green beer each. and dish after dish of glorious food. at the end of the night i made my way to leo's place where he checked on my trashy guitar. i can't wait for the new strings to arrive.

monday - i accompanied a friend to the dentist for a tooth extraction. did a check up while i was there. it seems like i've got some extracting to do myself but i'm rather reluctant to do it during this holidays (hmmm). i got back home for a quick nap before running off again to tabita's new place off the west coast. it was nostalgic driving around the area having lived there before myself. i didn't do much while the gang had their go at tennis, table tennis and pool. i really am getting lazy. some of us parted and the small bunch of us(marc, melo, leo & myself) had dinner at karu's curry, before finally heading back home after being unable to settle down for a night of poker.

tuesday - the run with jn & ky from the macrichie reservoir to the bukit timah nature reserve ~~to the bukit batok nature reserve~~. it was refreshing. i was reminded of the cross country days back in gess.

wednesday - i woke up and rushed down to the cathay to meet leo & zy. we caught 2012. not too bad a film. i'm quite keen still on renting the bunch of dvds of films i've yet to catch because of the tight semester. cw joined us after the show for a little while before we went on our own ways. i met up with the rest of the casper gang at chinatown for steamboat. it was quite a feast. zouk was tiring business. the casual chat with j over supper was depressing.

thursday - i woke up at around noon before heading down to the nlb at bugis where ky, jn & jo were. they were busy looking up for recipes for a good time in the kitchen come next week. we wandered around a bit for some food around the area before ky jn and myself headed down to the expo to collect our race packs for the coming standard charter marathon.

friday - rest. i hand washed the merc 200e & the nissan latio. i had dinner at imm with alvin, hj & kk. my ankle hurts so i wonder how the marathon will turn out... with regards to 'other matters', i guess i shouldn't be as hopeful.

year twenty two

2009-11-23T21:07:00.003+08:00

the entire day was of a mug at the library. aa201 is a module from hell.

it was nice to log into facebook at the end of the day, with some fifty emails in my inbox. it was really nice.

thanks.

2009-11-19T19:00:00.001+08:00

astronomy, presentations & revisions

2009-11-12T16:54:00.003+08:00

wmp: switchfoot, you.

today, during the astronomy lecture, a friend amused me with her sudden realization of how we are able to stand upside down on the southern hemisphere of the earth, without falling into the outer space.

yet another friend caught me off guard with his comment about my almost shaven head. that comment seriously topped the charts (though i've to admit, there was a good sense of humor).

last night after a good count of rehearsals for the ab214 presentation this morning, i fell asleep to switchfoot's on fire.

the last of presentations only means its full steam ahead for revisions.

for how long can i keep up with this coming sprint i wonder?

the long scream into the pillow.

2009-11-10T20:02:00.003+08:00

the ac213 excel quiz. argh.
dammit.

"some days i have the 'mo'. other days i have the 'jo'. but they never ever come together."

the times that have gone by

2009-11-09T21:14:00.007+08:00

wmp: black kids, i'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you

i was trying to take a nap before diving back into preparations for the presentations but somehow i began thinking of the last couple of years that went by and for the times that have yet to pass, i feel i should lighten up a little bit more. take the back seat. crack more jokes even when no one laughs. make the most of the things i do or get compelled to. and just, enjoy the moment while it lasts...

i think i kinda realised that sometime back. i'm not sure how i've changed or if i even did since then.

17 days more. merry times ahead.

the quiet truth

2009-11-02T11:24:00.004+08:00

everytime i think of you,
i get a shot right through with a bolt of blue.

mockery

2009-10-30T23:31:00.011+08:00

friday night. another night at home. as usual. right after AA201 project meet. and there's the AB213 meet tomorrow morning till evening. and many more to come next week. plus quiz and test. and presentations the following week. and exams in 3 weeks time. superb superb.

my foot, not so good. maybe its the 20 seconds of run to my car along the south spine. how pathetic. i went ahead to play volleyball that evening anyhow. it was the last training after all. wasn't about to let it get in my way. but i wonder how will it do in December when the fun really begins. i WAS very much looking forward to December. now the best i can do is be hopeful.

astronomy quiz, 8/15. no need to say more actually. ab214, not as bad. but i'm not sure what went wrong exactly. don't exactly understand her. it is ALL about the grades so don't ever tell me otherwise, please. not unless it really isn't.

did i mention? my beloved white adidas jacket has got yellow stains all over because of the dye from the orange towel!

nike human race 2009

2009-10-24T15:35:00.009+08:00

estranged was playing. the world was running.

the best runners clocked in at 30 over minutes. that is just insane.

350646 - 52'20"

of blackholes, nebulas & the milky way

2009-10-23T23:09:00.005+08:00

astronomy lectures makes you wonder about a lot of things. you begin by feeling like a speck of dust as you realise the universe out there. its magnificent... the constellations, the nebula, the supernova, the massive wonders of God. then you wonder if life really exists somewhere out there. or if Earth is on some sort of collision course already. with theories such as those of the big bang, sometimes you even wonder if there is a god...

超級白

2009-10-18T14:18:00.004+08:00

Verse Dm G C C
Chorus F G C Am, F G C C
(thanks to a friend for the chords)

2009-10-12T11:22:00.001+08:00

sometimes the things you want most elude you the most, too.

bitter

2009-10-12T02:07:00.008+08:00

i haven't felt this way since primary school when the guy whom i had a long bad feud with trashed all my freaking exercise books. or when the bunch of 'friends' set me up to steal half my deck of magic cards which i coughed 50 bucks out from almost nowhere to buy. all that happened more than ten years ago but maybe i remember precisely because of the immense feelings i had in my gut back then.

i guess somewhere along the way, someones bound to fuck you up and its up to you how much of yourself you wanna continue to waste away. i've wasted a few good minutes typing these and a good amount of glycogen stores just thinking about it and fuming. i could already be done with reading my article and be on my way to bed for fucks sake. its not as though i've not tried at all to let this all go and it almost seems that the only way it could possibly end is if i get to beat the beat the living day lights out of him but i will continue to try, nonetheless. if i wait long enough, i may actually just grow to become unfeeling about it...

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with,
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads,
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
And again when your head goes through the windshield.

casper@aloha

2009-09-30T03:16:00.007+08:00

i've been kinda torned between doing the things i wanna do, and doing the things i should be doing. its not much of a recess. meeting up with friends at aloha loyang did me some good. these are probably the little bits of life now that we'll look back at. the poker chips, trash talk, funny accents and the hysterical laughs.

maybe we've been staring too long in our rear view mirrors. we're so caught up with the 'could haves' and 'should have beens'. we act as if things have always turned out the wrong way. we're hard up. but maybe, just maybe, life ain't as bad as it seems. we just expect too much to see how good it has been...

2009-09-29T17:24:00.000+08:00

GOD DAMMMIT ARGH

in less than ten weeks

2009-09-26T20:10:00.012+08:00

december is actually not too far away. its means both the examinations and the end of it are drawing close. while its worrying(the exams), i'm looking forward to everything beyond. hopefully, my foot heals good soon. i'll be at the nike human race. then the runs that build up to the marathon(dec 4). i'll be playing the inter hall games. its been so long since i've played a good game of volleyball. i'll be heading to the beach. may the weather be good. i'll be watching all those films i've never quite got to watch (public enemies, nine, district nine, up, inglourious basterds). i'll be getting a new phone(se w705), a new digital camera(a panasonic lumix), and maybe, just maybe if i succumb, a new guitar(a cheap electric squire). i'll be looking forward to christmas, the new year, a good getaway perhaps, the late nights, the ten hour sleeps, the good life.

i feel stucked still given the 'recess' week. i wish i had the week all to myself to frolick the fields. i've got the week planned out and here's the first half of it:

saturday - online meeting for aa201 project
sunday - meeting for negotiation task
monday - meeting for ac213 project
tuesday - meeting for aa201 project/chalet at night
wednesday - chalet/???
the rest is still of revisions and meeting of datelines...

not too long ago, i created a playlist of songs. i think everyone should have a playlist on standby. one which you can count on for a slower heart rate and a better state of mind in times of crisis. here's mine:

paint the silence, south
living life, eels
ride, cary brothers
in the sun, joseph arthur
lost cause, beck
stop joking around, hawksley workman
orange sky, alexi murdoch
caught by the river, doves
honey and the moon, joseph arthur
dice, finley quaye
konstantine, something corporate
windmills, wet toad sprockets
something always goes wrong, wet toad sprockets

"there is no rose without a thorn. there is no bed of roses. take the rough with the smooth. if you try, you can be anything you want to be."

immortality

2009-09-25T20:26:00.003+08:00

we're just messing with ourselves. i've a bad feeling about this.

Wishing Well, The Airborne Toxic Event

2009-09-22T22:25:00.003+08:00

sometimes a song speaks your mind. better than you ever could have.

it could go like this,

Standing on a bus stop
Feeling your head pop
Out in the night
On the kind of night
Where you want to be out
On the street, on the street
Crawling up the walls
Like a cat in heat

And the air is thin
And it blows through your skin
And you feel like something
Is about to begin
But you don't know what
And you don't know when
So you tear at your hair
And you scratch at your skin

You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn't matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or caught in your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that's been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well, you're tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

So you stand on the corner
Where the angels sit
And you think to yourself,
"This is it, this is it,
This is all that I have
All I can stand
Is this air in my lungs
And this coin in my hand
That you tossed in the air
And I fell, and I fell
All the way to the bottom
Of the well, of the well
Like those soft little secrets
That you tell, that you tell
To yourself, when you think
No one's listening to, well"

And the walls spin
And you're paper-thin
From the haze of the smoke
And the mescaline
The threat of your brow
Under unmade sheets
In your ear with the noise
From the darkest streets
We ran far and wide
You screamed, you cried
You thought suicide was an alibi
But you were always a mess
You were always aloof
Yeah, it's awful, I guess
But it's the awful truth
It was truth from the first
To the last words that she read

And she emerged from the dark
Like a ghost in my head
She said, "I haven't forgot
Any words that you said
I just stare at the clocks
And I cry in my sleep
And I tear up your letters
And I burn them in heaps
And I gather the ashes
In that hole in the ground
Where we fell"

empty walkways

2009-09-13T00:07:00.020+08:00

wmp: the quiet screaming, dashboard confessionals vs brand new

i never quite had things this hard, i realise. almost as if something fell short all of a sudden.

i do feel a tad bit incoherent these days.

i have about a decade's worth of mp3s that i've transferred from hard disk to hard disk over the years. the techno, the punk rock, the alternatives. they bring more nostalgia than i imagined. i was listening to brand new's 'the quiet things no one ever knows' earlier on in the car. it hit me with memories of the junior college days. days of further mathematics. of dozing off in lectures. of volleyball(and the expectations). surely someday a song will play, and i will look back at life as it is now, and miss it all.

i was almost reluctant to leave the reading room tonight. the weekends haven't been the same. but i may already in fact be getting used to the solitary of it all. it was eleven at night, and the sight of the empty walkways felt like a good breath of fresh air.

i await December. and of course, coming in the near weeks, the d24 durian mooncakes from goodwood park. should be good.

the Comptroller, he is most powerful. period!

morning rain

2009-09-11T07:43:00.003+08:00

its almost eight in the morning. i woke up at six after i decided not to touch the books and call it an early night last night. i've been having the same dreams for the past couple of nights that leave me waking up to a splitting headache and a little sadness.

so i drew the curtains and began being buried by the intricacies of taxation. it started to rain and colbie caillate's fallin' for you began playing on the aol radio. its different waking up to the mornings like these.

2009-09-09T23:37:00.000+08:00

but alas,

2009-09-04T14:37:00.016+08:00

i can't remember when it was exactly now, but somewhere along the way, between the days of the three blissful months of absolute getaways and nothingness, and those of waking up to the routines of the five minutes rush to morning classes(God bless the nissan latio), i decided, on a subconscious level, to run, swim, gym and play like i've never had. i decided to get every i could, from signing up for the standard charter marathon to the mini biathlon at ntu.

the best part was, i wasn't quite alone; t'were a good bunch of them who lost their minds too and signed their souls to the big marathon as well. we had a good plan together, to chalk up distances and cover good ground with each passing month, until at least the commencement of the mug for the final examinations. i made everything i was in for count. for me at least, it was almost a human experiment of sorts. to see how fast, how strong, how good i could get. its been something more of a month and so far, i felt i've grown from this all. its addictive. i'm not talking about the feel good in terms of esteem or the sense of accomplishment and what nots, but there have been nights when i felt fresh enough to read FRSes and textbooks till the mornings and i guess i realise i must be onto something good.

then came the night i went back to hall seven for a night of volleyball(it was nostalgic being back) right before joining the guys at the other side of the campus for ten kilometers worth of run. its the second day now after the run and theres a pain in my left foot that makes every step i take feel like a hard kick into a brick wall. it didn't quite frustrate me at first but now i'm rather convinced that its highly probable that it's stress fracture and that can mean six to eight weeks of laying off the track and everything else. it feels like crap and i haven't even reached the real implications of the disruptions 'cause i haven't quite the slightest idea how long this foot will take and how hard the month of october will be.

gg, truly.

yet another epiphany?

2009-09-02T02:22:00.006+08:00

i penned it all down. whatever that hit. they came fleeting.

but tonight, i think i somehow understand. like suddenly.

twenty five. nice run tonight.

"It might be a quarter life crisis, or just the stirring in my soul"
- Why Georgia, John Mayer

mr yeo and you

2009-08-30T20:54:00.002+08:00

nice dream

the greatest drug

2009-08-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

its a different scuffle tonight.

i think this semesters not too different.

"the ten and two is the loneliest sight"
- In Your Atmosphere, John Mayer

lactic

2009-08-25T01:44:00.007+08:00

i actually had to stop running. and laid on the bus stop for a few good minutes. it was a stitch so sharp i thought something had burst within me and i was gonna die.

cui.

first day of school

2009-08-15T04:53:00.004+08:00

the first day in class has filled me up with a sort of dread. apart from the frustrating queues to get textbooks, the reopening of school means many, many other things.

just before the very first class ended, the prof asked for a class representative. a volunteer. lets face it, no one really likes to be bogged down by chores. i cautiously half-raised my hand, in a joking manner of course. we giggled. then while going through the class list he called out 'john teo'. they burst out in laughter. i didn't quite believe it.

of late, i've been pretty distracted. i could be spinning my pen, staring at the letters and numbers that fill the pieces of paper as the rumblings of the seminars go on, yet in my mind, i'm tardily plucking petals at a dimly lit corner.

i really should know better.

this should be my last entry for a while.

these last seven days

2009-08-09T06:17:00.021+08:00

tuesday - orchard w cw & zy. we had a short time in town. then settled for a drink at the rooftop of the esplande. they called that place orgo. i laid there, soaking up the nightlife, the city lights, the company... it was good.

wednesday - morning tennis. i thought i sprained my ankle. tennis is a tricky sport. ~~leo's birthday supper~~.

thursday - kenai/casper @johor bahru. heart pounding speed of go karting at plentong and the glorious seafood at taman sri tebrau. we spent some time at city square, too. it was good getaway. just before the term starts again.

friday - vijay's farewell dinner at newton. yet another round of seafood. when we didn't managed to find a place for all the l4d goodness, i bid them farewell.

saturday - ~~gym/swim/rest~~. poker/guitar hero at jonas's place. i took that drive down. we played cards. it was nice, meeting up with them. laughing. trash talking. though i did lose alittle. it was close to seven in the morning before i slumbered.

sunday - beach. with the gessvball gang. it was good. to jump the serve. to dive, tumble and roll on the sand. to play with the gang. we found ourselves at red dot at dempsey where t'was the monster green beer. and finally, joce's place until dawn almost came.

monday - ~~gym/rest/bake maple cookies~~. having stayed up the whole night, i didn't do much throughout the day. until i dropped by ah lians to meet the casper/kenai gang. soon after, i found myself yet on another rooftop of one of the blocks at hall three, heart in one hand, mug of whiskey in the other, enjoying the moment while it lasted.

tuesday - school offcially reopens/ab214 pre-test writing. i woke up and raced to complete my assignment. and then it was a good light evening at the track. cutting through the wind with the sprints was most reposeful. i reach home now, rethinking the day, feeling a little dread in me.

It is the drink of men who think.
And feel no fear nor fetter -
Who do not drink to senseless sink,
But drink to think the better.
- Anonymous

feeling this (syndrome)

2009-07-27T18:48:00.018+08:00

i've been sick these couple of days. fever, coughs and what nots. my bedroom has become something of a forbidden lair. i laid on my bed munching on a nice cold chunk of guava and then my brother's head popped in at somewhere around the doorway with his hand over his nose and mouth. i said to him 'welcome'. and then he goes away.

i've had two bouts of flu this season. sounds just about like me, i realise.

=

i have apologized over and over for not being enough, or who you want or need. on the contrary, i am in fact no superman. there are many wrong calls i've made to regret but i realise i have nothing more to say 'cause this is clearly me wanting to make the most of what i have left. we had something we thought was gonna last forever, but even that is naive when we aren't quite prepared to give it all. do we even know what it is to give it all? i can't be sure, but i could say i've tried at least and when things still still still STILL have a way of falling apart over and over when you least expect...

that is when its probably time.

it is this... this very perspective that has kept me from looking back at our history. but believe me when i say this, when it was just you and i and that timelessness, it really was good for me, too. i had meant it all.

"chances are, we'll find a new equation."
- five for fighting, chances.

2009-07-25T01:03:00.003+08:00

i'd like to think i've a pair of iron lungs. but its the second time this holidays i've actually have to take breathes from the inhaler. whatever virus, h1n1 or not, that is going around, it sure is vicious...

before i'm just a memory

2009-07-19T23:40:00.006+08:00

sometimes i wish could be at two places at the same time. other times it feels like i'm everywhere but no where.

"I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know, if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world, or sitting at home with you, eating a pizza, watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you everytime." - scrubs; season 3, epi 20

ice mountain

2009-07-17T06:56:00.001+08:00

i had the hardest laugh for the year.

Redang!

2009-07-15T21:50:00.018+08:00

this is that fresh feeling

2009-07-06T14:46:00.004+08:00

nobody knows

2009-07-05T01:33:00.017+08:00

wmp: ride (tiesto Remix), cary brothers

we can parallel our lives, at some point of time, to almost anything. it can be the lyrics to a song. an episode of your favorite comedy drama. or a romance film even. where i am now, it feels like a round of texas hold'em poker, where the two fresh hole cards are just dealt and some shithead bets and raises to an amount that is just hard to follow. do you take that chance to see what hand the three window cards will bring? or do you fold and possibly regret(for the rest of your life)? nobody knows, really. but we play on anyway. its true. we can be on a collision course and not know it. at all...

the last time i saw you

2009-07-02T23:26:00.007+08:00

it was some three weeks ago. i sat there alone, facing the traffic even though i wasn't quite paying attention to the fleeting vehicles, and for a full hour, even though i probably could finish the largest cup of green tea i paid for in five minutes. i sat there, mulling over things, a part of me being a little hopeful even, but mostly wondering why, and what the future beholds from there on. i never quite stopped because you've almost always been at the back of my mind...

"Life isn't measured in minutes, but in moments"
- the curious case of benjamin button

the midnight run

2009-07-02T03:59:00.007+08:00

my brother and i covered some good ground. we ran into the dark, over a fence, over a gate, and then it turned into a long but reposeful walk back to the fitness corner not too far away from home. we had some challenge of pull ups and press ups. it was good company.

snr camp '09

2009-06-30T02:27:00.014+08:00

i didn't see myself going for the camp initially but at the very last minute something just spurred me to text walter. there were the usual field games which were a disgust but once we stopped being bothered by the smell of raw eggs and dark sauce all over us, it turned into something else. t'was the walk in the sewers with just two sticks of candles carrying the flickering lights. t'was the day at the beach. and of course, t'was fright night at old hendon camp. i got to know some people i never quite knew well enough and catch up with some old buddies. throughout i saw a vivid reflection which reminded me of a distant self. while walking around the campus at night chatting to a good friend, i reaffirmed my philosophy of making the best of every moment. or at least try, right? hell yeah.

so far so good
04 jul - 16k run with biathlon team
05 jul - toy carnival at sam
08 jul - course registration
08 ~ 11 jul - (tentative)
19 jul - and's b'day
20 ~ 24 jul - foc

the king of pop

2009-06-30T01:02:00.010+08:00

i remember watching the 'ghost' video at my uncles place when i was a kid doing primary school. its was on a plasma tv and t'was a home theater system and i was pretty much blown away by the choreography. i remember watching him moonwalk for the first time on a music video on channel five and my mum was nagging me to go to sleep but i just couldn't switch it off. i remember his really cool entrance from 'history'. 'black or white' was my favourite one. maybe he left so much of a impression when i was a kid because he was really something. he was an idol to millions. an icon. a revolution.

this morning i read an article and i felt really sorry and tragic about the whole thing. hes rich, famous, and was probably the best at what he does but still things had to take such a turn for the worst. it made me rethink life. maybe everyone close to him were around for the sole purpose of making a quick buck for themselves. not having people around at all to sincerely care and look out for you, that is a scary thought.

we will all remember him differently and i'm sure even now that he's gone, just like elvis, his greatness will somehow live on.

ribeyes and vodka

2009-06-23T23:01:00.011+08:00

i never had so much ribeye in one sitting. i was told of how cows that were bred in factories never got to see the light of day and were hung alive upside down when their days are finally numbered. a blade systematically runs down their necks and blood gushes out till the very last breath they take. it hardly is surprising and for that reason i kinda hate the thought of it. i feel like going vegetarian.

i met up with the gess gang once more with bottles of liquor and a couple of decks of cards. honestly i wonder if there exists another group of friends who play like this too. making it home in soggy pants in the morning was strangely a little bit of a deja vu.

there is 47 days now left. the dreadful semester is not too faraway.

scrubs is an awesome drama comedy series. i'm rewatching episodes and still get goosebumps at the end of certain episodes. such as s05e20. whats more i just realised that coffeebucks, something i say sometimes when i try to refer to starbucks, is an actually coffee joint in the show. unreal.

volleyfest 2009

2009-06-21T12:01:00.008+08:00

wmp: Keri Hilson, Knock You Down

the coughs are finally going away. i hate crowds for such reasons. apart from the lack of space, you get that whiff of air after someone sneezed or coughed or made some funny noise and you're screwed.

after an eleven hour sleep, my body now aches possibly from the sudden trauma of volleyball after lying on bed for the whole week.

the games were pretty short being only fifteen points each. winning two games out of four wasn't enough to see us coming back on sunday. in between the games we talked about our lives, talked a load of crap, laughed, fiddled with the stikfas that came in the goodie bag and then marveled at its awesomeness. t'was a sumptuous lunch then wii at C's place. oh wait. haha. i think thats probably the reason for my aching arms. C's place is so awesome its like a palace.

the last couple of days has been much of crap for a multitude of reasons but i actually think next week will be good.

"There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed
And he's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?"
- Bon Iver, Stacks.

sunsets

2009-06-15T20:01:00.006+08:00

its not just the phlegm that stifles me. i feel like i'm in a strait jacket as i lie on bed and try to sleep. apart from the desire to be good in health again, there is still so much more i yearn for.

nikoi was fabulous.

♥♥♥

2009-06-12T22:52:00.008+08:00

I, II

2009-06-09T22:33:00.001+08:00

i'm super whacked out. recovered from a sore throat. but hit by dry coughs. and bad lethargy.

still, it shld be good. or so i hope!

ciaoo!

when something lacks

2009-06-03T04:20:00.008+08:00

there are many, many, many times in life when we find the rare urge to initate and organise a happening, be it a gathering at the pub to unwind, or a short trip out of the country to just breath a different air, and the people you try to bring together, your friends, or some of them at least, they put you on hold, maybe not because of time or money issues, but a lack of decisiveness or simply because they're waiting for something else... for the times that i can't understand this lack of consensus or alignment of contingencies, i can't help but feel... second rate? maybe it doesn't make it worth the while and maybe i even try not to care anymore. in fact, i think i'll be more than contented to recede into the comfortable confines of my home of television, internet, weights, books and music. just for now (i think).

my fingers crossed

2009-06-02T00:11:00.003+08:00

even if i found the paradise beach (which i think i did)...

the grueling two hours

2009-05-30T04:43:00.006+08:00

wmp: pink, whats up

it was a good fight for our lives and i nearly made it into the rescue chopper when i got swarmed by the throng of undead that floored me and i could only watch my fellow comrades get away. it was almost as if it was all in slow mo. nothing could have been more tragic. it reminded me of zombie flicks where a sorry few always have to die.

i'm glad that i was still sitting with them still at some 4am savouring the 'mongkok dim sum' along lorong eight.

i brush my teeth, maybe nauseous still, but rethinking the kill of the dreadful tank.

the last summer

2009-05-28T02:12:00.007+08:00

the results for the exams were out. i managed a 4.0 gpa. i guess i'm slightly disappoint still though it ain't too shabby. cumulatively, it still won't do.

i've caught several films. wolverine. angels and demons. star trek. night at the museum 2. and tomorrow, terminator salvation. i stay up hours at night clicking around here, drifting, enaging random chats, bouncing off the walls of cyberspace, right until a peaceful still 4am morning. sometimes i watch tv. i ran the shit out of me the last two days and woke up this morning hurting where i had injured myself back in ns. i think its frustrating yet tragic(not being able to break the lactate threshold because a knotty ITB(?)). the sundown 10k run is still on this coming saturday night. it should be good. and i'll be heading to the beach this sunday right after church...

but on days that there is nothing much going on, i feel, marooned.
they say this is the last summer i'd be free but i think i should really get a job to get me through july...

run

2009-05-24T21:45:00.008+08:00

with the upcoming sundown 10k run this saturday i should really start running. and i will run the shit of myself tomorrow. i write this hoping that it would bind me to my words.

i've always thought the wildest thing on the mtv was the 'wild boyz' but 'nitro circus' is damn cool...

2009-05-19T12:50:00.010+08:00

towards the end of the day at the beach, i guess it was only then that we started to play like we really meant it. it was glorious, the victory.

i kinda miss those days where heading to the beach was something of an weekly affair. the days ahead when this vacation period is gonna be over will be as tragic as it gets... its already almost for certain.

i can't remember much of what i did for the week since sunday. after beach we had quite a meal at astons. we played 'left for dead'. long while since i've had a go at video games. would have been better if not for the nausea that came along from running around with zombies lurking at every corner.

somewhere along the week, cindy and i took a seat at 'canele'. they served superb ice cream deserts. i believe they called it 'nougatine', and for a good reason too - i could almost say it was what i craved for all my life.

i just came back from the dentist not too long ago. the screeching of the drill scares me actually. my teeth, i never thought they were in that bad shape. it makes me wanna lay off the 'nougatine' for now.

tonight's night at timbre is cancelled yet again. i hope we really make it there next thursday. i really hope so.

at something around midnight tonight the results for the last examinations will be out. hmm. .

but for now, i'm off to wash the car.

tataa.

life as it is

2009-05-10T00:05:00.001+08:00

i really think i'm missing out on something...

2009-05-08T14:06:00.001+08:00

2kilos in two weeks. i think its a start of something beautiful.

draft1

2009-05-06T04:14:00.017+08:00

they tore my ticket, i watched wolverine.
past midnight, at the brewerkz with schoolmates. and a cab home.
there is something nostalgic about cab rides home.
then, some three hour phone conversation. some crossroads.
i bought a new record; jars of clay, the long fall back to earth.
this swim i had; this heart rate that could've killed.
i want to grow. and i think i will.
another night at badens. old friends. and one more pint.
i burp erdinger, still.
in my bedroom the aircon leaks loud into the bin.
on this stormy night 'stardust' is nothing short of fantastic. even on a 14" laptop screen.
maybe i need a good read. or a job. or just one good day at the beach.
i will take life easy, or try at least.

2009-05-04T03:25:00.004+08:00

its 4 in the morning. i can't get to sleep. just finished checking out steve donahue alittle.

the day i nearly lost it all

2009-05-02T18:52:00.010+08:00

i headed out for a run circumferencing jurong lake to the point of the turn. it was a hard run; i've never been so out of breath. i made it back to the gym. the eight pounds felt like ten. and ten like twenty. perhaps its because of the late nights. or how things have been for nearly a week. maybe i'll never be like how i used to be but i try to tell myself i will not degenerate.

i've grown scrawny during the past two semesters. limbs like twigs that stick out from the body. this summer break i will play hard. tennis, vball, sundown, gym, squash, run...

i guess we aren't caught between what we are now and what we wish or hope for from each other anymore. somehow, someway, it became something so beyond us.

what is noise? noise is what we want to believe is noise. what is an answer? an answer is what we want to believe is an answer. for prayers unanswered, we turn to flipping a couple of pages just so we can tangibly see what we want to believe is too much of a coincidence? sometimes we're so caught up with seeking answers, we just do.

i believe He speaks to us as long as we want to listen. i believe we will hear Him in His own time. there is no need even to hear or see a sign. that is my faith.

today, when the ten felt like a twenty, i want to believe that it was Him i felt.

i will not degenerate.

my pursuit for happiness

2009-04-26T21:23:00.004+08:00

some way along the way, i don't know what makes me happy anymore.

i wanted to do something with the holidays. three full months. but i'm not exactly sure what.

forget super, i just want to be mortally enough.

"everything's made to be broken"

lets play

2009-04-26T10:34:00.001+08:00

Onwards from akqa on Vimeo.

lets play

2009-04-24T00:30:00.005+08:00

wmp: joseph arthur, in the sun.

the end of peon days. or that's what my brother call its (the end of his attachment stint). my last paper ended one day ago. this morning was the one morning i woke up and didn't have to touch my books.

last night past midnight i drove back from cindy's with a slight drizzle, lightning illuminating the crimson sky, and raindrops running up the windscreen. if it wasn't for the slight jam caused by fallen lumber on two lanes of the expressway, the drive could have been most reposeful.

i hung out at pauls place for abit this morning before head over to leonards.

i gymed. watched tv. did whatever the hell i wanted to.

i wonder what beholds.

2009-04-05T16:28:00.003+08:00

avoiding insanity matters...

"cause worrying, is as effective as solving an algebric equation by chewing bubble gum..."

till the 22nd.

2009-03-22T00:11:00.007+08:00

this week t'was somehow more time for leisure. vball at nus saw many old friends; guangrong, lawrence, bryce, felix... it was nice, talking to people i've not met in ages.

i watched IP Man. really neat flick. i wanna watch 'topic thunder' too. and the 'watchmen'. and 'how to be'. but these along with some of the older films i can remember will have to wait till after my last paper. i hope the dvd's will be out by then.

http://cute4ever.com. what a name. its hard to imagine it being what the yahoo auctions used to be. not with that name, haha. other than that it looks mighty fine and maybe i'll get clear some stuff there.

naruto rocks.

7th april is my last day of my stay in hall seven. its official. its been nice here. making lotsa noise with joshua in the wee hours of the morning. i bet the whole block 39 must be banging their heads onto the walls. its been good but i guess what i really wanted to say was, nothing quite beats the comfort of home sweet home still.

t'was quite abit i had in mind to put down but i'll leave it to when it comes back to me...

on to the stats tutorial.

2009-03-20T03:49:00.000+08:00

its 4am. i feel, contented, strangely.

74848

2009-03-16T15:01:00.008+08:00

i think a smile came to my face when the figures matched on the balance sheet. i'm just glad things worked out fine this time round.

i did a short detour to jurong point on my way home and popped by the post office for her. and then i decided to just walk around a bit. she accompanied me on the phone. it may seem like i'm laughing to myself and i can only hope the people who walked me by don't take me for a nut.

the tail end of last week was quite... i'm not sure. well, t'was me coming down with a fever. a tragic case of gastric flu. it felt like world war II in my guts. i had to give up the ambassador stint in school on saturday. and of course, t'was the mug for the accounting quiz which was just over and done with.

somewhere in between, i found my red packets from the new year sealed, stashed away and nearly forgotten. its true testimony to how looney its been.

i'm home now, instead of hall. its somehow, peaceful(albeit i can hear my sister's hair dryer). the kind of peace after that you would find after a downpour. nothing beats family. i think i'm staying home next semester.

i've set my table for yet another long night.

cheers.

beyond me

2009-03-06T13:11:00.002+08:00

D. for organisational behaviour case critique.

i've nv actually been good with essays. but, D?

i think its quite a joke considering i actually wanna do better for this semester.

2009-02-20T02:45:00.000+08:00

i will.

another night

2009-02-13T21:38:00.005+08:00

so he asked, why do i work so hard?

don't i have to?

so much for whats worth(my time).

i just wanna finally do the things i wanna do.

the monday drag

2009-02-04T20:47:00.009+08:00

"...than i want to ask him 1 company if he know. I say DFK, then he keep saying DSF. then i say 3 times b4 i shout the last time. then he say knn hong gan fuck off la. Hahahahaga"

during the aa102 lecture i controled my laughter with a fit.

i appreciate having the people around me and i really hate disappointing them just because i haven't the time mainly because of the heavy pursuit for a nice honours degree.

i kinda not know what to make out of life as it is now. its been saturating. sure economics is interesting but still i wish i could take the time to do the things that i really wanna do. like bumming at the beach. a beer with friends. travel. gym. jog. breath.

my deep breath

2009-01-19T23:45:00.004+08:00

he is my best friend.

some days i wish it was night day long. i've always found the peace and cool, addictive.

this came timely? a slice of wisdom in the email. the law of seeds.

"but even if it rains, its still okay!"

and so, where do i go from here?

here we go. 2009.

2009-01-05T20:59:00.008+08:00

for my first semester, i got a 3.77. shabby. i hope it doesn't get in my way. but as someone puts it, its good enough for me to want to work harder next semester.

the holidays were swell. i could make a list and it would take a while. i don't remember being home much. the days have a way of stretching into countless late nights. i end week after week, having trouble recalling how i start and get through each. that is the degree of degeneration. mindlessness.

i wonder how this semester will turn out. its monday. my first week. 2 lectures already this morning. 9pm here now. a stomach eating itself. an open economics textbooks; i can't take that dive in, not just yet.

team se7en

2008-12-22T14:59:00.000+08:00

23-25.

december

2008-12-08T01:37:00.018+08:00

and so its christmas time again. somehow its my favourite season of the year. there is something about giving that i'm becoming accustomed to. i remember how i used to stay home when i was a kid on those rainy decembers, watch 'home alone' on channel five, and laugh my little ass off...

i must say what a semester it has been. its tempting to sleep ten hours a day and watch clouds all day. but this holiday i've been dedicating the bulk of my time to all my friends & family and of course the love of my life. 'cause actually, i do know that the new semester ahead is that past semester all over(or worse?).

dreadful.

i should stop sounding like a wuss.

its been good so far. three weeks left to savour...

little black clouds, keep walking with me

2008-11-26T00:43:00.006+08:00

you know i really don't mean to make this a gloomy place again. but tonight something just snapped. it seems things have a funny way of going wrong all over again and again and again...

"someday i'll wake up not so lost in my own tragedy..."

2008-11-22T03:19:00.002+08:00

"Ali said even the greatest gotta suffer sometime..."

the tear in my eye

2008-11-14T01:14:00.011+08:00

wmp: the darkness, love is only a feeling

my mum opened the bedroom door slightly and said goodnight while i was on the phone with the lights off. it stirred a whole lot of emotions from within me. i can't help but ask myself where i've been? out mostly(or so it dawned upon me). of late, occupied with what they dub mugging. if not, just trying to have the time of my life. this semester has been especially demanding in many ways. the pace is almost feverish. i've not been home much. its a sad thought. a tragic realisation. i think i can appreciate my family a little more despite the other heavy pursuits which i may have in mind. and i will endeavour to do just that.

and so t'was the first paper(AB113) in a long while. since the A's? not so good. i need badly some saving grace.

there've always been a calm about the rain i can't get enough of.

g'nite.

2008-11-05T14:43:00.003+08:00

wmp: rockstar supernova

here i am. screaming the lyrics. along with the chugging guitars and hard drums.

it actually feels kinda good to be done with AB114 though i'm rather apprehensive about the final grade. i have doubts of clearing the semester with a GPA of something above 4 but i try not to let it get to me. not too much at least.

so here i am. had lunch with the tutorial group. it was nice. briefly went down to cut the birthday cake with kenai. they're just awesome.

asthenia

2008-10-28T00:55:00.010+08:00

wmp: norwegian recycling, the liebe song

i have never asked for anything more than what i gave.

could that be it...? no. i don't know.

the day was of a general lethargy. uneasiness. wistful. of the repercussions. of what beholds.

this semester has been hard. and fast.

i just wanna experience that bit of flow once more. i wanna get away...

i have made a list of things i wanna do this december.. it starts off with '1. sleep'.

its exciting, thinking of the celebration, x'mas, new year.

should be good.

or so i hope.

AA101. here i go.

AB114

2008-10-22T17:51:00.000+08:00

stinking B grade.

2008-09-25T21:17:00.000+08:00

scrooooo you, you, you and you!